Roasted asparagus salad

This is a somewhat bastardized version of an asparagus salad that I’ve made at several different restaurants over the years. Like an annoying STD, you pick up a little something new and different from every chef you’ve worked for. That’s rude. It’s not like every chef I’ve worked for could be described as an annoying rash or similar ilk, but there are certainly a few finalists for such a simile.
In any case, get yourself a bunch of asparagus, a couple shallots, some rice vinegar, some olive oil, some almonds, and some salt pepper, and sugar.

Peel, and very thinly slice your shallots into rings, and place in a small, or something of comparable size. In a small saucepan heat a decent amount of rice vinegar to a boil, adding salt and sugar as necessary to taste good. A couple allspice berries and/or some whole black peppercorns also add a nice touch, but maybe you don’t carry the tiny boules of flavor excitement in your apartment pantry, in which case, go cry to momma.

When the vinegar is boiling and tasty, pour it over the shallots, and immediately cover. Let stand until the liquid cools, or until the shallots sink to the bottom of the liquid; a sign that they’ve successfully pickled.

Now, preheat your oven to about 400 degrees. No one will come kill you if it’s at 405. I promise. If it’s about 450, then you’ve got bigger problems than just setting an oven correctly. You clearly can't follow directions, which means you’re either going to be a groundbreaker in whatever it is you do, or you’re just an ass. Guess what my money’s on?

Now, lining up a couple of asparagus at a time, cut on the bias in about 2-inch segments. Bias. Big word there, in the cooking dictionary. What’s it mean? It’s not like when someone asks about whose side you’re on in the Miley Cyrus/Radiohead dispute, and you say “well, I’m a little bias.” You’re not that kind of bias. Here, bias means an angle, like Stegner’s “Angle of Respose.” Why didn’t he use the word bias? Because it’s pretentious and smarmy. Smarmy? Go look it up. And when you’re finished, just cut the damn asparagus on a bias. Actually, at this point, you might as well go for the straight-down cut. I don’t really trust you anymore.
While you desperately google my name to search for an address for sending hate mail, until you realize that I shall just laugh at your bias-cutting inabilities, as I am right now, toss the cut asparagus with some olive oil, and lay out on a baking sheet. Season lightly with salt and pepper.

On a separate baking sheet, spread out some almonds. Hopefully you bought the sliced almonds. If you bought whole almonds, if the idea of chunks of almonds, or sliced almonds, bring to mind some kind of cruel nut-torture, then you’ll need to commit some evil yourself and smash up the whole ones a bit.

Place both sheets in the oven, and give them a few minutes. You’ll need to spin them around a bit. Comprende? Like you wished your girlfriend back in college could do? Until all you ended up with was an embarrassing story, and more embarrassing bruises?

Sooner or later, your hot nuts will be all toasty and aromatic, and your asparagus should be somewhat similar. It’s totally ok if one needs more time than the other, or if you life you asparagus a little more crunchy. Pull out of the oven, and toss the asparagus, the nuts, and some of the pickled shallots together. You can add some of the pickle juice if you need a little flavor boost, but given the asparagus that’s in the markets right now, you won’t need much. Yay! Smelly urine for everyone!

Now you’re thinking, great, but what do I put it with? It goes awesome under some salmon or roasted fish. It goes great on top of toasted or fried sourdough bread planks, with some gruyere broiled on top. It goes great with some grilled ribeye, with an expensive, nappy balsamic vinegar drizzled over the top.