Sales Pitch

Hey there, we’re GETTO. We’re radically different from other wood pellet suppliers. How, do you ask? Well, we do sell wood pellets, wood pellet burners, wood pellet boilers, wood pellet bathrobes, wood pellet tampons, even wood pellet models of wood pellets. Just like the other wood pellet guy. So how are we different?

Our costs are low. Real low. Practically nonexistent. Like the sketchy mattress guy in town, our costs are less, so we sell for less. That’s right. Don’t believe me?

How about this: we don’t pay our employees, so we’re able to pass the savings right on to you. Who says slave labor is no longer in vogue? GETTO is the ONLY U.K. wood pellet supplier that offers a feudal system benefits package to all its employees. Mmm….you like hard tack, don’t you? We do!

And we don’t have a web site, which means we can pass those savings right on to you. The internet’s just a phase, anyways. .com, .net, .org, .whogivesashit? We don’t!

We don’t even have an office. That’s right…SAVINGS. Pour vous. But wait, there’s more….

At any given time, our employees only have three working tires on their car. And by not getting that fourth tire? Oh yes, that just means more savings for you. But it also means we’re environmentally friendly, because our cars don’t go anywhere. We’re not bothered by gas prices, or wars for oil; nope, we’re all about you. Now see if your regular wood pellet guy is that focused.

We won’t bug you with annoying phone calls….we don’t have a phone. Call us: we’ll be happy to give you a number to the local pub, where you can usually find one of us. During normal business hours, of course. Aw, what the hell…we’ll be there day AND night, just to serve you better.

We don’t have any of that annoying paperwork that usually comes with construction work. We hate documents of any sort; for our workers, our certifications, anything. Let’s face it: you don’t want ‘em, we don’t have ‘em, and paper cuts suck. Besides, we’re trying to save the earth, people!

We don’t have tacky stickers guaranteeing safety, regulations, and quality, nothing to gunk up your front window and affect property value. We’re not just looking out for you; we’re looking out for your future.

What we CAN promise you is that we’ll give you the best prices in town. Because we don’t really want that fourth tire. Why ruin a good thing? In fact, if we ever do make enough for that fourth tire, we’ll give it to you, no questions asked. Throw your baby in it, spank his ass, and call him Michelin! Where else will you find a deal like that?

And depending on where you live, you may even get service! If you do, consider yourself lucky, because you are. It’s a pretty good chance no one else is getting it.

If you sign up now for our Compromise Service, you’ll get just that: the promise of com. Or at least the promise of something. As in: we promise to give you something, sometime. It could be a wood pellet burner; it could be herpes. But it will be SOMETHING. It may even be one undocumented person from a country definitely not of your choosing, but probably adapted to look vaguely local. If you happen to have a car on cinder blocks in your front yard, then he may already be there. GETTO cars and installers blend in perfectly with their surroundings.

Don’t have enough money for GETTO products? That’s fine: you can have some of ours! To show our dedication to you, we’ll give you one of our personal credit cards. With PIN! Treat yourself to a nice dinner. Go buy that really freaky porn that you’ve always wanted. Rent a hotel room to eat your food and watch your porn. No one will know. It’ll be your little secret with GETTO. We’ll be pals.

So call or email us today. Or just keep an eye out for a three-wheeled car. The guy inside, however unsightly and unwashed he may appear, could be your ticket to a whole new lifestyle.

GETTO: Because if you don’t GETT it, all you’ve got is O.