Cereal Killer

What happened to you, Crispix? You used to be cool. You stayed crunchy, EVEN IN MILK! No other cereal could claim such greatness. How have you not become overlord of the nation of cereals? The cereal experience nowadays is a race to get it all in your mouth before it hits the milky amoebic glob phase. You don’t even have time to enjoy it. You’d have thought we could come up with something more effective in this department by now, but we’re forced to suffer the indignity of mushy cereal. I know we’re still devoted to the internal combustion engine, which is terribly outdated, but cereal? Mmm…..internal combustion cereal. Now with more methane.

When do you not want crunchy? If you didn’t, then you’d want porridge. But when you pour a big bowl of grainy shrapnel, with mummified strawberries and bran flakes coated in what looks like tasty clusters of nuts and leprosy, you want to feel all that food love in your mouth. Of course, in the states, this would require a warning, because some kid would find a way to slice up his throat with high-fibre goodness. And then BAM!, a lawsuit.

Don’t get me wrong, lawsuits make the States great. Without them, creativity would run amok, and the cereal world would be plagued with steak clusters and gin & tonic flakes. Hey, maybe the law got a hold of Crispix, and slammed it with a gag order to keep the non-sogging secret from getting out. Because then people would take their sweet time (gasp!) enjoying their breakfast, which would lead to them being late for work, and in turn would cause a systematic break-down of the our country’s economic stability. Oh wait, too late.

But not too late to employ another key American strategy: blame someone else! So I’m wrong. Commence the fist-shaking at your nearest box of Crispix…bastards ruined capitalism, forced me to flee the country, do my own ironing, and emasculate my spelling of the word fiber.